Although these past couple of months have held the promise of starting a new relationship, I can’t help but feel like something is holding me back. The new guy is absolutely amazing. We’re so alike in almost every way. But I feel like that’s also the factor that’s deterring me from pushing this to go any further. Whenever we’re with each other there isn’t an awkward tension in the air that demands us to talk to each other, so I’m not uncomfortable being in complete silence with him, it’s just that he just so reserved. Almost every conversation has to be started and pushed along by me. I’m not exactly an extrovert so it’s really mentally exhausting to have to work at it.
Then there’s the fact that I’ve been trying to get over this other guy. I’m not exactly sure if I’m even getting anywhere away from him, either. We don’t talk as much as before when I was really infatuated with him, but we hold a good friendship. We’re there to vent to each other. He has told me that I’m one of the few people he can count on, and I feel the same way about him.
It’s just so shitty that my feelings are in a sadistic limbo where I want to simultaneously erase him from my life and bring him to the center of my universe.
Although focusing on school has helped clear my head quite a bit, I can’t help but let my mind wander to him during the quiet rests of the day.
I feel like I’m trying to make this new relationship fit in my life, but all I’ve achieved is putting two people in a room, one closer to the door than the other.